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Feb. 25th, 2019 09:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nola_eustacePRIVATE
I kissed him.
Or, he kissed me. But I kissed back.
It shouldn't feel like such a dangerous, revolutionary thing--to like someone. To want to see them smile. To feel their fingertips against your skin. To enjoy even the way they scowl, because it's attention, it's so much attention, and it's good it's good it's really really good.
I mean, until it's not.
I know he doesn't like me. I'm not stupid. And I know just because he kissed me doesn't mean anything has changed. He said it himself. Except something has changed, inside me, whether he ever needs to know it or not. Because, okay, stupid (stupid, STUPID) crush aside, he's the first person I actually told in as many words who I was, and the sky didn't fall down. My parents didn't take one look at me and just know. And I didn't spend the night hating myself like I guess I was half-afraid I would, even after all this. I kissed (made out???) in a public park, and it was the most liberating experience and I want that again. I want to push, and keep pushing, until I find that boundary where I start to feel weird and afraid--and then I want to push even farther until I get those voices OUT OF MY HEAD for good. And even if Tobias is just tolerating me out of, I don't know, gay solidarity, he knows, and I can ask him things, and I can talk about this, and--
And there's more than one park in the city.
Which. No. Okay. That's too much, too far. But. I need to do something or I'll go out of my skin.
Compromise.
TOBIAS
Hey, so, thanks.
Look, weird question, but. Is there a, you know, gay club or bar or whatever in the city that doesn't check IDs too closely?
DANI
I kissed someone.
This is what it feels like to be normal, huh?
I kissed him.
Or, he kissed me. But I kissed back.
It shouldn't feel like such a dangerous, revolutionary thing--to like someone. To want to see them smile. To feel their fingertips against your skin. To enjoy even the way they scowl, because it's attention, it's so much attention, and it's good it's good it's really really good.
I mean, until it's not.
I know he doesn't like me. I'm not stupid. And I know just because he kissed me doesn't mean anything has changed. He said it himself. Except something has changed, inside me, whether he ever needs to know it or not. Because, okay, stupid (stupid, STUPID) crush aside, he's the first person I actually told in as many words who I was, and the sky didn't fall down. My parents didn't take one look at me and just know. And I didn't spend the night hating myself like I guess I was half-afraid I would, even after all this. I kissed (made out???) in a public park, and it was the most liberating experience and I want that again. I want to push, and keep pushing, until I find that boundary where I start to feel weird and afraid--and then I want to push even farther until I get those voices OUT OF MY HEAD for good. And even if Tobias is just tolerating me out of, I don't know, gay solidarity, he knows, and I can ask him things, and I can talk about this, and--
And there's more than one park in the city.
Which. No. Okay. That's too much, too far. But. I need to do something or I'll go out of my skin.
Compromise.
TOBIAS
Hey, so, thanks.
Look, weird question, but. Is there a, you know, gay club or bar or whatever in the city that doesn't check IDs too closely?
DANI
I kissed someone.
This is what it feels like to be normal, huh?
