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Mar. 18th, 2019 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nola_eustacePrivate
It's not avoiding someone if you have absolutely no reason to run into them. And I have NO reason to run into him, ever. Especially now.
So we snuck out. Kids our age sneak out all the time. So we went to a gay bar. He was just showing me around because he felt bad for me. I could feel it all night: he wasn't there because he wanted to be there with me. He was there because he was taking pity on the weird kid. He danced with me because that's what I wanted, not because it's what he wanted. He kissed me because he could tell I was practically starved for it. And when he looked at me like that, at the end--that was just the lights and me seeing what I desperately wanted to see.
Tobias has made it crystal clear that he doesn't like me. I bet he does stuff like that all the time.
I kind of hate that it meant so much to me.
I kind of hate him. Or at least, I hate that I can't hate him. I hate that when he was kissing me, in my head, he was my boyfriend; I was kissing my boyfriend.
God. Stupid. Stop.
It's not avoiding someone if you have absolutely no reason to run into them. And I have NO reason to run into him, ever. Especially now.
So we snuck out. Kids our age sneak out all the time. So we went to a gay bar. He was just showing me around because he felt bad for me. I could feel it all night: he wasn't there because he wanted to be there with me. He was there because he was taking pity on the weird kid. He danced with me because that's what I wanted, not because it's what he wanted. He kissed me because he could tell I was practically starved for it. And when he looked at me like that, at the end--that was just the lights and me seeing what I desperately wanted to see.
Tobias has made it crystal clear that he doesn't like me. I bet he does stuff like that all the time.
I kind of hate that it meant so much to me.
I kind of hate him. Or at least, I hate that I can't hate him. I hate that when he was kissing me, in my head, he was my boyfriend; I was kissing my boyfriend.
God. Stupid. Stop.
